


Out of Tune Piano Strings

by fruitpunchkickstart



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Period-Typical Sexism, Prostitution is mentioned, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Underage is mentioned but not shown, noncon is mentioned but not shown
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 12:00:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28724760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fruitpunchkickstart/pseuds/fruitpunchkickstart
Summary: Y/n is raised in the underground, with an intense love and drive for the piano. She meets Levi as a child, although she never learns his name. Few words are exchanged between them and he is left as a mystery to her.It isn’t until years later that she ever sees him again, although both seemingly have no memory of each other.TW: Although there no noncon scenes, there is talk of past experiences of noncon, so if that is a trigger for you, this might not be good to read
Relationships: Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Reader, Levi/Reader
Comments: 25
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

_835_

You wake up to your Auntie Mimi yelling at you to get out of bed, this was her preferred method of waking you up in the morning. Auntie Mimi was never horrible to you, not intentionally anyways, she was just . . . unengaged. Unengaged, with your feelings, your interests, your hopes, _you_ . She didn’t have to take care of you. You were well aware of how lucky you are she didn’t let you starve on the streets when your mom died. There wasn’t even blood relation. Your mom worked for Auntie Mimi as one of her _girls_. Mimi was well off, for the underground. She owned a saloon. She fed you and let you sleep in one of the unused rooms. All in exchange for helping her around the place. 

Helping her in the saloon . . . and one day eventually becoming a prostitute like your mother. This you have known for sometime, but have never become comfortable with this fact. Even though you were only 11, the stares you would get from some of the men in the saloon would make you shiver. The dim lighting, the reflection of the flickering candlelight in the bloodshot, drunk eyes of the predatory men was no short of monstrous. You didn’t want to spend your life appealing to the monsters that plagued your nightmares. You only had about four more years until you were physically mature enough to be sold. Four years to do what you really wanted to, playing the piano. Four years of relative freedom. 

There was a piano on the main floor, and you taught yourself to play. Music brought you peace. Beauty in an ugly place. The keys feel like silk under your fingertips. You wished and hoped that one day, you could play the piano to make a living. Not that Auntie Mimi, nor anyone else really cared. Music was not a skill that was valued in the underground. Auntie Mimi made sure to tell you exactly how useless she found the skill. However, even at your age, you understood that Mimi was doing way more than she had to for you, and you were grateful. Compassion is hard to come by in the underground. 

However grateful you were, that didn’t stop you from getting upset for the way she spoke to you. So that day, when you hear shuffling in the pantry, you decide to let whatever mouse is eating Mimi’s stock get away with it. But then, you looked down at the broom in your hand and sighed. _“Sorry little mouse,”_ you think to yourself, knowing that you have to open the door to put the broom away, and it will most likely be scared off. 

When you opened the door and saw a boy, who looked about a year or two older than you, you thought you’d be more scared. There _is_ a strange boy stealing from Auntie Mimi, after all. The thin angry eyes that he glared at you with you _supposed_ were to make you intimidated, but you felt nothing of the sort. Although he was trying to look mean, there was a far away look in his eyes. Like he wasn’t really here, in front of you.

“If you want a meal, I’ll help you steal it.” 

Although he isn’t a mouse, you were still fine with someone stealing from Mimi. His eyes narrowed further and with a slow shake of his head he replied 

“No thanks, I don’t take handouts.”

You rolled your eyes. How stupidly prideful is this kid? Taking support from others is far from weak. You should’ve just let him leave at this point, but to be completely honest, something about him made you want to help him. Maybe it was that far away look in his eye, or maybe it was the fact he refused your help, or maybe it was because you were mad at Auntie Mimi and wanted a reason to steal from her . Anyway, you were too stubborn to let him leave without being fed. It was then you had an idea.

“What if I have you do some work for me?” You offered with a slight shrug of your shoulders.

“What kind of work?”

Nobody ever stayed to listen to you practice, and if you wanted to ever have a chance of fulfilling your dreams, you would have to get comfortable playing for an audience. 

“If you listen to me play the piano, and give me feedback, I’ll give you food.”

“But I know nothing about music.”

“Even better, that means you’ll give advice like a real audience member!”

He narrowed his eyes again, but agreed. You took his hand and led him to where the piano is. It’s before Auntie Mimi opens for the evening, and she always leaves around this time daily, only to return a couple hours later. She always says she’s discussing business with a partner. Whatever that means. Anyways, you knew you had a couple hours before she would be back. You took out one of the two dusty books of music that you had, you had memorized the tunes long ago, but you read from the music anyways.*You played through it all, way more than you were expecting to. But he never stopped you, never even looked bored. He just, let you play. And once you were done, you sat in silence. It wasn’t until you spoke up that he seemed to realize you’d even stopped playing. 

“So, give me your critiques, my dear audience member.”

“Hm, it was pretty shitty,” was his reply. You laughed, somehow you knew the truth to his insult, even though you had only exchanged so few words up to that point. He glanced at you suspiciously once again. He kept doing that. Like he was convinced you were tricking him, or lying to him somehow. He probably wanted his food now, so you sighed, rubbed your legs and got up.

He ate like a rabid dog. That was the only way to describe it. Pure animalistic hunger. It was clear it had been awhile since he had his last meal, that’s probably why he resorted to stealing in the first place. You told him to slow down, if he didn’t he’d probably get sick, and you did _not_ want to clean up this kid’s vomit. Cleaning up drunk people’s vomit was your least favorite chore but Mimi always makes you do it. Stupid Auntie Mimi. He could steal more for all you cared. 

Once he finished eating, he got up to leave. No smile, no thank you. You might think he was rude. He _is_ rude. But not ungrateful. How do you know he’s not ungrateful? Well, you might just be making excuses for him, god knows why you would. Maybe you’re just happy at the prospect of having a new friend. You’re sad to see him leave, but Auntie Mimi is going to be home soon, and she can’t find him here. 

You assumed that would be the last time you would ever run into mouse boy. That’s what you’ve decided to call him, as you never exchanged names. But after you were done practicing the day after, you found him listening right outside the window.

“Hey, give me critiques if you’re gonna listen all creepy like that”

He looks up at you shocked. It’s the first emotion you’ve really seen him show. He obviously wasn’t expecting to be caught. He is severely underestimating your spy catching skills. His emotion is only for a split second before he goes back to default mouse boy mode. 

“The piano sounds out of tune” 

“It _is_ out of tune, my Auntie Mimi doesn’t care enough to have someone come out and fix it. . . Anyways, come in here and eat. That’s still my deal.” 

He trots around and enters the front of the saloon. You make him his food, watch him wolf it down, although he’s slightly better about it this time. Maybe you should teach him manners. Man, he is really dirty.

“You’re disgustingly dirty,” You scrunch up your nose at him. The glare he gives you is nothing short of murderous.

“Calm down, mouse boy, I was going to offer you a bath.” You roll your eyes at him. So defensive. He looks confused at your nickname but shrugs it off with no comment. Your bath house could possibly be the best in all of the underground. Mimi’s girls are _clean_ and she makes sure of it. That’s how she keeps her reputation as the best in town. Mouse boy accepts your invitation of a bath way quicker than you thought he would, since he seems to hate taking charity from you.

“What can I do to pay you, then?” He asks. Always so sure to make sure his debts are paid. You thought about it for a moment, honestly, the only thing you really want is from someone to be here. To listen to you play the piano, someone for you to fuss over and take care of so you don’t have to take care of yourself. 

“Do you want to come back tomorrow and do this again?” 

Silence. Then just as you thought he was never going to respond, maybe you had crossed a line, he finally nodded. You smiled brightly at him. This was going to be fun, after all. Screwing over Auntie Mimi, playing the piano, and having a new friend. It was everything you wanted. 

From that day on, mouse boy would come when Auntie Mimi left for the day, you would practice, he would listen, and then he would eat. Sometimes he wouldn’t show up, you assumed he had other things to attend to, maybe? You really never learned anything about him, not even his name. It’s not like he was secretive or anything like that, it's just that there wasn’t much need for words between you. For ten months you had this informal routine. It wasn’t until he was a no show for 2 whole weeks that you started to consider the possibility he wasn’t coming back for awhile. Then after six months, you accepted he wasn’t going to come ever again. You still practiced in that same spot and hoped maybe he would hear the music wherever he was. 


	2. Handouts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter this time! I hope that’s good for y’all. No Levi in this chapter unfortunately, but trust me he will make a spectacular appearance next chapter
> 
> At the * in this chapter, play Chopin’s Nocturne Op. 27, no. 2 in D flat major :)

_841_

Your dreams of being a concert pianist seem so distant now, like a warm hazy memory. The work for Mimi could be worse. Most of the time the men aren’t the worst, especially because they want something out of you. It’s been your normal for two years now, so as much as younger you would hate to say it, you’ve gotten used to it. That being said, every once in a while, you feel a snap back to reality. And you feel all the sadness and discomfort and disgust you thought you’d long forgotten. It rings in your soul like a dissonant chord rings in a silent music hall. And as soon as you feel it, it’s gone again, only to be remembered and forgotten once more. Mouse boy too, lives in your deepest, warmest memories, forgotten to the times. It's odd how something that once made you so sad can be forgotten in this way. 

The man you’re with now, Mr. Klein, is probably your favorite client, which really isn’t saying much. He’s much younger than most of the other men that visit Mimi’s, probably in his mid 30s. What makes him the best, is the fact he seems to be genuinely interested in what you have to say, your life. Most of the other men treat you not as human, but an emotional dumping ground. Complaining about their wives, work, children, what have you. _“I get used in many ways,”_ you laugh to yourself. According to the gossip among the other girls, he’s very influential in Trost, specifically with the church of the walls. Despite the fact he seems to be nicer to you than most, he’s still very much an asshole. I mean, what rich influential man in Trost has to come to the underground just to get some company? 

You’re not sure how he found out you like to play the piano, but ever since he found out, he’s asked you to play for him. You always refuse. Your music is the last autonomy you have. You don’t have a right to your body, your stuff is Mimi’s, and you have no choice but to continue working for her. All you have is your mind and your music. Today, however, he surprised you. 

“Y/n, won’t you please play for me?”

“You already know my answer.”

“If you play for me, I might be able to get you a job above ground”

This was the first time you’ve had the liberty of being shocked in a while. In fact, it took you a second to truly process what he said to you. You know how hard it is to find a route out. So hard, you had given up on the possibility long ago. But here was Mr. Klein, offering you a first class ticket out. All you had to do was sell the last bit of your soul, the one you promised never to give to anyone. 

Ah well, you can rebuild your soul once your above ground. Out of the grasps of slimy, wicked men. Out of the sights of Mimi and the girls, in a place where you can make your own money in ways that don’t repulse you. If you really think about it, this is just sacrificing one small thing in order to have a chance of salvation. Honestly, you knew what your answer was going to be the moment the question slipped from his chapped lips. This internal battle your having with yourself is just a formality so that you can feel justified if you end up regretting it. 

“Okay,” you answered with a sigh. You got up off the bed, and made your way to the door. Once you left this room, there was no going back. Sure you could probably weasel your way out of the deal once you got downstairs, but mentally? Mentally, the moment your foot crosses the threshold, you have said goodbye to this specific privacy. 

As you sat on the bench, you pulled out the two dusty books, like you did so often, you were reminded of mouse boy. Would he be proud of this decision? _“What?”_ You thought to yourself. Why are you thinking of him now? It's probably been years since you thought about him. Not like he would care if you played for Mr. Klein, he was the one who left. It wasn’t like you made an agreement that you would only play for him. You _had_ only played for him. Why you were having this argument with yourself, you did not know. No matter, you had to focus on giving somewhat of a good performance. It would be embarrassing if after all this time of him harassing you to play for him, you just sucked. *

Shit. You let more emotion into it than you wanted to. You didn’t want this to be some sappy moment and have him fall in love with you or some shit. You just wanted to get this over with. But somehow it’s impossible for you not to get lost in the music. You just hope he isn’t smart enough to pick up on your emotional vulnerability. That would be more embarrassing than if you just messed up. 

You were not so lucky, however. When you were done, you looked up at him to see tears in his eyes. Your cheeks burned in embarrassment. At least he was the only one who heard it, as the main floor was surprisingly empty. 

“So, about the job?” you asked hopefully.

“Yes I wanted to offer you a job of playing as a pianist at my hotel in Trost.”

Your eyes widen in shock once again. Not only will you have a job, but you’ll have _the_ job. The one you’ve always wanted. As you opened your mouth to reply, Mr. Klein cuts you off.

“And I want you to marry me.” 

You knew it was too good to be true. No way in hell did you want to marry Mr. Klein. Sure he was moderately nice to you, but he treated everyone else like complete scum. You’ve heard he has shady dealings with people here in the underground, despite being an influential member in politics and the church. Overall, he’s not a good person, certainly someone you don’t love, nor ever could come to love. Just when you thought things might finally have a chance to get better, it's going to be exactly the same as it is now. Indebted to someone, no money or property to call your own, not even your body. And now, not even your soul. But you knew that when your foot crossed that threshold, that you were risking this exact thing. You knew this was a possibility and moved forward anyways. This could be your only chance to leave, breathe crisp air, bask in the sun’s warmth. You couldn’t pass this up. It’s not like selling yourself as a commodity is new to you. _“This is different,”_ she whispers. You tell her to be quiet. She speaks up inside sometimes, you as a child. She speaks her hopes and her dreams to you, and you tell her to be quiet. You don’t want to hear, you already know. 

At this point it’s been a stretch of silence, you can’t allow yourself to think any longer. Any more deliberation and you’ll think of a reason to stop yourself from taking this chance. Any more time and the guilt will set in. 

“Alright, I agree.”

“You’ll marry me?” He sounds surprised.

“Yes, I will marry you. Do you have means to forge my identification?”

“Always so straight to the point. I swear y/n, you’ll be the death of me”

You stare at him in response.

“Yes, I have means to get you papers”

You smiled brightly at him. Although sometimes you could be cold, putting on a mask was your job. And damned if you weren’t good at it. You touch his arm and feign excitement when you ask 

“So when will the wedding be, I want to start planning?”

“Hmm… How about six months? I know it seems soon, but I’ve never been so sure of something in my life. I hope you feel the same way?”

_“Yes Mr. Klein, the woman you pay to have sex with you definitely reciprocates your love”_

Is what you wish to say, but instead you reply with a dreamy smile and a curt nod. 

Good, that means that you can leave him if you ever get the chance. six months to plan an escape and leave. You try not to let your scheming show on your face as you present him another bright smile. Having him believe that you genuinely want to marry him is vital to your mission’s success. Ironic isn’t it? You got engaged 30 seconds ago and instead of the planning blushing brides normally do, you're planning an escape. 

“Oh, and I hope you don’t mind, but you’ll be living down here until the wedding”

_Shit._

This throws a definite wrench in any half baked plans you had started thinking of. If you’re still underground, it’s just as impossible to escape as it was before you agreed to marry this creep. 

“What? Why?”

“As much as you think I don’t know you, I do. I know you’re already hatching little escape plans in that pretty little head of yours. So, I just won’t let you escape until you’re legally bound to me.”

_Creep_. Your disgust must’ve manifested itself on your face despite your protests because he speaks up. 

“Look, y/n, I’m honestly trying to give you a better life. I’m giving you the job you dreamed of, and an opportunity to leave this place.”

You ponder for a minute. Would it really be so bad to be married to Mr. Klein? _Yes_. Well, you suppose you’ll just have to escape the day of the wedding then. But that will be difficult, especially considering that you have absolutely no contacts above ground. It’s not like you can just leave and find a job without him being able to track you. Above ground is Klein’s turf. He’s powerful up there, much more so than you. If only you would be able to go above ground, just once before the day of the wedding. Maybe then you could set something up. 

“Oh, there will be one trip above ground to meet my family before the wedding. I couldn’t tell them I married an underground whore, so to them, you are a peasant girl from inside Wall Maria. They refused to let me marry a girl they’ve never met, especially since she’s not a noble woman. Y/n, please don’t try anything, I’m seriously trying to do this for you.”

_Bullshit. You just like the power you hold over me and getting your dick wet._

Luck is on your side, once again. You don’t know which god or what deity is looking out for you, but you’re sure glad they are. You can use this trip above ground to get information, any information is good information. Yes Mr. Klein has more money, and more influence than you, but if you could somehow find information, you might be able to turn the tides in your favor.

~

Your first day in Trost was uneventful. You’ve been able to do little to no reconnaissance, and Klein’s family are just as rich and boring as you expected them to be. Lack of conversation skills aside, they weren’t as rude as you expected them to be. Especially for the snotty, rich bastards they are. They seem to not see through your lies one bit and you’ve been oh so careful to keep the mask from slipping. 

Currently, you are shopping in the center market of Trost. Everything seems to be overpriced, but Mr. Klein doesn’t seem to bat an eye and buys you almost everything you even glance at. The fact that he’s still trying to win your affections when he seems to understand that you have no interest in him besides using him to escape the underground is baffling to you. You were keeping a keen eye and ear out for any information you might be able to use. To be honest, you were getting a bit frustrated with the lack of any leverage. You were running out of time, and going home empty handed would make things nearly impossible. That’s when your ears perked up

“I heard the military will recruit almost anyone with certification, they must be really desperate for bodies, huh?”

“Yeah, the next draft is in 6 months time. I wonder how many stupid kids they’ll get to sign their life away.”

“Their lives and our tax dollars!”

God, you could just about kiss that man. He just presented you with the best possible information. Not only will it be easy to become a recruit, but the timing is perfect. All you have to do is find out when exactly the recruitment days are. But now that you have a lead, things just got astronomically easier. 

~

Finding out recruitment days and convincing Klein to schedule things accordingly was surprisingly easy. All you had to do was give him some mumbo jumbo of how you had to get married on the 15th of the month because in a story your mom told you as a kid, the princess got married on that day and it was super important to you and blah blah blah. It wasn’t that good of a story but you suppose he hadn’t taken his eyes off you so he had no reason to suspect you were up to something. Little does he know, you’re always up to something. 

It is now the night before your “wedding”, or early morning of, rather. You had taken your forged documents from their shitty hiding place, and you placed your foot in the stirrup of one of the Klein’s horses. A branch snaps from behind you, and you whip your head around. It’s Mr. Klein. 

“Y/n… Don’t. Don’t do this. I am offering you your dream.”

You sighed and looked towards the sky. The sky brings you comfort, clouds or stars, no matter. You looked back at Klein. In the eyes, to him, you spoke these words.

“No thanks, I don’t take handouts.”

Smiling to your own private joke to yourself you started away. You’re surprised when he doesn’t follow you. You hope that one day he can get over himself so that he doesn’t have to exert his power and force some other prostitute to marry him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved your comments last chapter, they truly do make my day. Again sorry about the lack of the little man in this chapter, but i promise i’ll make up for it next time. I will probably upload again in the next couple days. I’ve got a lot of creativity juice in the brain, so I’m gonna ride this high for as long as possible


	3. Birdcage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the * in this chapter, play Sibelius: Violin Concerto in D Minor, Op. 47: I. Allegro moderato. Specifically the Itzhak Perlman one, is my recommendation. It was actually kinda hard to find a song for this chapter lol, nothing really fit right

_ 845 _

It's been three years since you became a recruit, and one year since you joined the survey corps. Mr. Klein never came for you, and as far as you know he gave up on you the moment you stole that horse and ran. Training wasn’t horrible for you. You were older than many of your comrades in the 102nd recruits, being 17 when you joined. Growing up in the underground, you had to learn how to fight if you wanted to survive. Especially in the line of work you were in, protecting yourself was essential. You fared pretty well, earning your spot in the top 10 as number 4. Your comrades were shocked when you turned down becoming military police for becoming a scout. But you knew that if you joined the military police you would be surrounded by the exact same type of disgusting men you were running away from. The same type of men who would never let you advance in ranks unless you did them a  _ favor _ . You weren’t just running away from things, though. The survey corps are filled with like minded people. People who aren’t content with walls, with being stuck in a birdcage, no matter how spacious. 

Today was supposed to be normal, normal as returning from an expedition can be. The fatalities were no short of horrendous, and while you hadn’t lost any comrades close to you, the air was incredibly heavy. Things felt off. You had just turned 20, you didn’t think things like age really mattered to you, but for some reason seeing that your age no longer started with a one really freaks you out. It has been a long time since you had the privilege of being a child, but seeing your age turn really forced you to mourn the death of the childhood you never had. Despite this, you still arrived at headquarters safe, and you had to get back to work. 

It wasn’t until late in the day, probably around four o’clock, that you received the news. Word spread incredibly fast through headquarters. Wall Maria has fallen. It all happened much too fast for the survey corps to respond, especially considering the fact they were rather distracted with returning from an expedition. If the air was heavy before, it was even more substantial now. Those with family members who lived within Wall Maria were allowed the rest of the day off, obviously. The rest of us were presented with either helping the new refugees, or volunteering to go on a rather dangerous mission.

This mission was to ride to various villages in Wall Maria to check for survivors. Unsurprisingly, volunteering was not a popular choice. In fact only you and four others chose to go. Why you chose to go is not entirely clear to you. Maybe it’s because you value life, or maybe it's because you want to help, or more honestly, it’s because you have little value for your own life. Sacrificing yourself for the sake of humanity was never part of your plan, you just wanted freedom. But knowing that so many children who could’ve had the childhood you mourned just had it ripped away from them… it drove you insane. If you could do anything for them, save one kid, maybe it would be worth it. 

Either way, you made the decision to go far before you had morally reasoned it out for yourself. Impulsivity has always been somewhat of an issue for you, although no one would ever know that. Most people think you’re just a quick decision maker. Some have even complimented you for it, but honestly, you have no idea what you’re doing. You think things through somewhat, but this world doesn’t allow for indecisiveness. 

Things happen so quickly on days of crisis. Before you know it, you’re riding on horseback to the first village. You look around at the other four suckers who agreed to go with. You recognize only one.  _ Captain Levi came on this trip? _ You can’t begin to understand why, he seems too important. Maybe he came for extra protection? Of course you know who he is, he’s humanity's strongest soldier! Have you ever spoken to him? … well, maybe, no, but that’s okay! You don’t necessarily  _ idolize _ him, but it's kind of hard not to be impressed that so much strength and talent fit in such a tiny body. People were always talking about how scary he was, but honestly, there was this energy he gave off that felt so uniquely comforting to you. 

You’re tired. You didn’t really get any rest after coming home from the expedition. It’s just now hitting you how much of a suicide mission this is. You’re heading into what’s now Titan territory, with only five people, and it's very unlikely that you’ll even find anyone alive. You came on this mission for what? A sense of morality? A way to feel better about yourself? It’s bullshit. All of it, you know it. But maybe it’s okay to allow yourself to be fallible. So what if the reasons you have are selfish? You’re still risking your own hide to save others. Maybe it’s enough. 

“This mission is utterly pointless, we’re not going to find anyone alive, so why are we risking our greatest asset?”

One of the other cadets speaks up. Anger flares up within you. He’s not allowed to have doubts too, it’s not fair. Being morally compromised like this only puts the group in more danger. You have to believe in what you’re doing, or you’ll end up dead. Passion is what has kept the scouts breathing for so long. So even though you were having similar thoughts not a moment ago, you can’t stop yourself from saying, 

“Even if we don’t save one person, the opportunity to save a life will always be worth it. Every human’s life deserves a chance”

“So we risk the lives of five for the  _ opportunity _ for life? That seems like complete and utter bullshit.”

_ Fuck _ . He’s even more right. But you know that morale will go down horrendously if you lose this argument. It's bad enough that people are having doubts, if those doubts are affirmed? You’re all screwed.

“So why did you come on this mission then, hm? Because I am pretty sure it was volunteer based. So you had to have had a reason.”

He pauses.

“I have family in Wall Maria, I had to see for myself that they’re dead.”

“So the possibility for  _ their _ lives is worth it, but you couldn’t give a shit about all the other people who lost their lives today?” 

Wow. Low blow. The guilt set in the moment you said but you could never let that show on your face. You could blame your pure vile behaviour on the fact you haven’t slept, but in reality he hit an insecurity. You’re mad at yourself for thinking the same way that he did. You’re not above him, not at all. He’s just a scared man, one who probably just lost his entire family. He looks about ready to tear you into pieces, which you most definitely deserve, but he’s cutoff.

“Hey fuck heads, knock that shit out. What are you? Toddlers squabbling over the last fucking cookie?”

Both you and the cadet immediately drop the argument, and turn to face forward. You may still be a relatively new cadet, but you know not to take direct orders from Captain Levi lightly. Something’s nagging at you though. He’s in a position of power, and he’s obviously far from stupid, so he must know that allowing that type of thinking to foster will negatively affect the team dynamic. Why did he not call out the other cadet? 

This eats at you for a while, but you’re not about to directly go against his orders. But you really needed to know why. So you grasp your horse’s reins and catch up to the Captain. 

“Captain, I have a question.”

“What.” It was really more of a warning than a question, but you continue anyway

“Won’t Cadet Becker’s sentiment negatively affect team morale? Why didn’t you shut him down?”

“Because I agree with him.”

You’re shocked. This is worse than you thought. The fear and distrust of the mission has most likely infected every single member of the team. All of you have this disgusting disease known as doubt. The Captain continues,

“We’re risking five lives just to confirm what we knew the outcome would be the moment that armored shithead busted through Wall Maria. This mission is essentially pointless.”

“But you don’t know that. We don’t know anything. Sure you’re most likely right, and maybe this mission will turn out to be pointless. But you can’t say that it will be until we’re dead or back at headquarters unsuccessful.”

His face is cold. Any moment now you’re expecting to get hit with charges of insubordination. You most definitely overstepped, but for some reason you can’t find it in your heart to care. You might’ve started out believing the same things as Cadet Becker, but somewhere along the way, you’ve convinced yourself. Just like every other moment in your life, you really  _ don’t _ know anything. The Captain looks almost thoughtful. A warmth behind an otherwise cold facade. But he doesn’t respond to you. He just charges on ahead. You know better than to try to push the issue further, you’ve said all that you’ve needed to. 

~

It’s some time before you reach the last village, which is apparently Cadet Becker’s. You still feel bad about what you said earlier. You haven’t found any survivors yet. None at all. And you’ve encountered very few titans so far, all of which you’ve been able to avoid. But this being the last village, it’s the closest to the breach in Shiganshina. Meaning that there is a very small chance of survivors, and a larger chance of titans. 

Your suspicions are all but confirmed when you make it to the village and see wrecked buildings and blood splattered pavement. The death that you have seen over the past 48 hours will keep you up at night for a while, this you know. *

Trying to keep your attention on the task at hand, you feel a tug at your pants. You look down and see a little boy, probably around 11. His eyes have a dead look to them, a look you know. The look of someone who has seen death. The childhood you wished to preserve for him is already gone. No matter, he will live. And that is enough. 

“Finn! Oh my god, Finn!” Cadet Becker runs to the boy, who’s name you assume is Finn. He hugs him so tightly you think he might break

“How the hell are you here, are you hurt? Did anyone else survive?”

“I hid. I am not hurt. I watched them die.” His words are cold, as dead as his eyes. 

You can’t see Becker’s face, but he tenses and his shoulders are shaking. You can’t even begin to imagine the amount of emotions Becker is going through right now. How traumatised this boy is. As much as you want to hug this boy, tell him things are going to be alright, you feel the ground shake. The dread immediately drips into your heart, coating your stomach with thick, heavy honey. Titans. And from what you can tell just from the shake of the ground, more than one. 

“Go back to your hiding spot, right now!”

You wish you were calmer as you told Finn to hide. Wish you could be a comfort to him right now, but your own fear and dread halt you from being able to do that. You and Becker immediately use your gear to climb to the rooftop. 

You were right. Four titans are headed your way. You hear the Captain shout from somewhere else in the village

“I got the two on the right, you four take out the two on the left.”

You wanted to argue with him and call him an idiot for taking more than he could handle. But you know that’s both not true, and that there’s absolutely no time to debate. So instead, you set off for the titan on the furthest to your left. Becker is following close behind you. 

Once you get to the titan, you notice that the other two cadets are going for the middle titan. You swing up the titan’s arm, slashing through the titan’s right fingers. This titan is fast, his other hand very narrowly missing you as you jump to avoid it. You hear a scream. Nightmarish. One of the other Cadets was just swallowed whole by the middle titan. Her partner, currently in the titan’s grasp. You swing over to her aid, ready to slash through the nape of that titan. The crunch you hear to your left is deafening. You flinch.  _ No. Please, no. _ The middle titan topples to the ground, the cadet freed from his grasp.

It is then you turned back to confirm what you heard. Becker is dead. Finn lost his entire family today. You could’ve stopped it if you just stayed with Becker instead for going to help that other cadet. Were you still trying to be the hero? Selfish, selfish, selfish. You can’t get over your hero complex for one moment. One precious moment to save a life. The dread that once filled your soul is replenished with rage. Anger, towards titans, towards this world, towards yourself. 

The next few moments go by so quickly, you’re not even sure you’re entirely conscious of yourself. The titan is fast. Too fast. You don’t think you’ve ever seen one move with this much speed. You look over and see that the titan’s right fingers have grown back, and are currently wrapped around the other cadets legs. 

“They’re broken, my legs are broken. Go run to the Captain, my fate has already been decided.”

Although there are tears running down her face, she is not screaming. The fear in her eyes is evident but she’s smiling. She’s trying to comfort you in the same way you wished you had been able to do to Finn.

What should you do? You should save her, right? But is it really the best idea to try to save her, or do you just want to play hero. This isn’t what you wanted. This isn’t freedom. The world isn’t any prettier above ground than it is in the depths. You look to the sky. The clouds are light and fluffy. Beautiful like a painting. Why is the sky always so pretty on the most horrific days? You can’t do anything. You’ve never been able to do anything. Big chunky fingers wrap around your waist. You’ve never been able to save anyone, not even yourself. Not your mom, not Becker, not mouse boy. 

_ Slice. _

You’re back. You wiggle your fingers, your toes. You look down from the sky, you hadn’t realized you had been staring. You realized you’re currently in the Captain's arms. All of the other cadets were eaten and you were about to befall the same fate. If the Captain didn’t get there in that exact moment, you would’ve been dead. You were almost gone because you were too busy feeling sorry for yourself. Too busy trying to find the higher meaning of things. You didn’t save her. You didn’t save yourself. You didn’t do anything.  _ This _ is why doubt is what kills. You doubted, and you almost died.  _ Stupid _ . 

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”

It’s all you could whisper. You were crying, although your face, dry of tears. Nothing would come out. You wanted to scream. You wanted to screech about how worthless it had all been, how you still managed to do nothing. But then you remembered. Finn. He was still alive. You  _ did _ do something. 

“Captain, there’s a child. He’s in hiding but he’s still alive. It’s Becker’s younger brother, we have to save him.”

The Captain looked down at you. There was sorrow in his eyes. Pity, and understanding. As you landed on the ground, he sat you down. Your knees immediately buckled. You were surprised at how much you were trembling. You had to grasp onto the Captain until you felt like you could stand again. You had honestly thought you had seen it all. Seen enough trauma and death to make it through anything unscathed. But there’s something different about death when you know you could’ve stopped it. 

“Where?”

You pointed to the house Finn was hiding in. When the Captain emerged with the boy, you couldn’t look at him. How were you supposed to look him in the eyes now? You did everything to avoid picturing his face. The eyes you know are lifeless. The childhood you know is gone. You truly believed this mission would be a success if you just found one person. One life was all that had to be saved in order for the doubt, and the fear to be worth it. And you did. You saved him. Finn. You found him and saved him. But was this mission a success? That’s something that you couldn’t answer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked this chapter! Little man finally makes a solid experience, but y/n hasn’t seemed to make the connection yet. Again, your comments motivate me to write, and I really appreciate them!!


	4. Faraway Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the * play Schumann’s Kinderszenen, Op. 15, no. 7, Träumerei
> 
> I hope you guys like this one!

_ 845 _

Your return for your expedition with Levi was a few months ago, but it has done little to leave your mind. As much as you know how unhelpful this line of thinking is, you can’t stop yourself from blaming yourself. When your not consciously reassuring yourself, your thoughts return to a low mantra of  _ “stupid, selfish, useless,” _ . It hums constantly, drowning you, and your attempts to escape manage to do nothing. Your regrets are quicksand, and your lungs are filled with lead. If you could just find a way to let go. 

It’s not like it’s on your mind all the time, it doesn’t seem to be getting in the way of your work, you suppose that makes it okay to keep pushing off dealing with it. Avoidance. 

Your work is actually going along well. You’re currently working under Squad Leader Hange, not so much with the actual research, but with data analysis and application. You surprised yourself. Despite having no formal education, Hange says your ability to spot patterns within data is way above average. You wouldn’t have guessed that music and math have a connection, but honestly, you can tell that your music skills are really what aid you. The numbers are like notes and it’s your job to make melodies out of them. Things are going well, very well. You’re working almost entirely independent of Hange at this point. The only problem, which you anticipated, is that you haven’t really been able to play since you joined the corps. There’s just no pianos that you’ve seen, and it’s not like you have a ton of free time to go find any. 

You sighed audibly. You got distracted again. Right now you’re trying to decipher the chicken scratch that Hange calls handwriting. Guiltily, you much prefer when they force Moblit to take notes, even though he’s way overworked. But at least then you don’t have to spend extra time trying to figure out if that’s a three or an eight. Hange lets you work in their office when they’re not using it. So when they come barreling in, you try your best to make everything less messy, but you’re not exactly sure what’s your mess and what’s theirs. They never seem to mind anyways, so you’re not sure why you’re even stressing about it.

“Y/n! What are you doing in here? Isn’t it a cleaning day? All cadets are supposed to be cleaning.”

Ah yes. You were ditching in order to finish this last assignment. Shit. Why did you choose to be in a place you would be so easily caught? It’s no matter, you stood up immediately.

“Sorry Squad Leader, I’ll report to Captain Levi immediately.”

You left the room. No, you were not about to report to Captain Levi late. You’ll just go pick up some cleaning supplies and go clean a room that seems like no one has cleaned yet. You haven’t been yelled at by the Captain, unless you count when he broke up the argument between you and Becker. You didn’t want to break your streak. 

Finding a place that wasn’t currently being scrubbed, nor already met the Captain’s meticulous standards, was more difficult than previously anticipated. You ended up having to go to a part of the headquarters you'd never even seen before. It's the furthest away from both the mess hall and the sleeping quarters, so there’s really no reason for you to have been here, or anyone really. 

You climbed up this spiral staircase to find a library? A library. You didn’t know you had one. There’s a couple of armchairs and a fireplace.  _ And _ , you could squeal with happiness. A piano. There’s an oak, upright piano up against one of the walls. The sun is gleaming through the window, and the dust floating in the air makes everything look like a painting. All the colors are just right. Obviously, the piano was nothing special to most people’s standards. It looks pretty cheap. But to you… to  _ you _ this piano was the most stunning instrument on all of planet earth. 

You sat down on the red bench seat, the brass used for the petals is discolored from years of no upkeep. Your fingers rest on the keys, lightly, feather like. You play a chord. It's out of tune, but you expected as much. No matter, that’s what you’re used to anyways. You go to play some more, nothing in particular, just chords and progressions that feels good to you

But then you sense someone behind you. You jump up and turn around, slightly shocked to see it’s Levi. Great. He’s gonna reem you out for not reporting to him  _ and _ for playing instead of cleaning

“Sorry Captain, I’ll get back to work.” He looks confused.

“How did you know I was there, I was sure to not make noise?” When you open your mouth to respond, he dismisses you with a wave of his hand

“It doesn’t matter, just get back to cleaning, cadet.” 

“Yes, sir.”

You can’t believe he just let you off the hook like that. Did he not realize you never reported to him in the first place? Not that you’re complaining. No punishment, no problem. Once you can swallow the heart that’s in your throat and pick your stomach off the floor from when it fell out your asshole, you feel relieved.

“I can’t right now, but I will be back to play you later, I promise.” You whispered to the keys before getting to cleaning. 

While you didn’t have much  _ allotted _ free time, you haven’t been able to sleep well since after the wall fell. So after curfew, you essentially had all the time in the world. You haven’t always been so comfortable with breaking the corps’ rules. But after being a scout for almost two years, certain rules don’t feel so scary to break anymore. Like curfew. And ditching some assignments. What was so perfect about your new secret is that it’s far away from all the sleeping quarters, so you won’t be alerting anyone to your rule breaking. 

That night at dinner, you can’t help but peek at the Captain. You’re still trying to figure out why in the world you walked away from that a free woman. It definitely goes against anything you have previously heard about him. Some recon is necessary, is what you decided. 

“How do you feel about Captain Levi?” You ask the rest of the 102nd scouts.

“Hmm, I’m mostly afraid of him. One time during cleaning day, he gave me stable duty for a week because I accidentally used the wrong kind of soap for the laundry.” One girl answers.

“He would be kinda hot if he wasn’t so fucking uptight. Also if his legs weren’t so stubby.” Was another response. 

You sighed. Maybe he was just tired and didn’t feel like being a dick today. He’s too much of an enigma for you to even attempt to figure out his motives. When your comrades question why you’re asking about him, you relay the story. 

“I just don’t understand why he let me off the hook.”

“Maybe the beautiful music finally dislodged the stick in his ass.” You laughed along with everyone else.

You’re probably just reading into things too much, so you let the tides of conversation drift away. The food in front of you is comfortingly bland. Things don’t always have to be good in order for them to be perfect. Yes, the food is unseasoned, but you’re not sure if you’d have it any other way. This is the food that you associate with the Survey Corps, what you associate with freedom. So even if the people can be jerks, and the work is grueling, and the food is… bad, it all aids in making you feel comfortable. Home. 

After dinner, you had to finish the work you were doing for Hange earlier, so you set off to pick up your materials without another thought of the Captain. When you knocked on the door of Hange’s office, you weren’t expecting to find the Commander in there with them. 

“Commander, Squad Leader, I apologize for the interruption, I just came for my materials.”

The two share a glance and the Commander gestures for you to go ahead. Hange no longer makes you nervous, but them combined with Erwin Smith? Plus the fact you can feel them staring at you. It’s making any social anxiety you have skyrocket through the roof. You’ve only seen Erwin, never spoken to him directly. He certainly has a presence to him, like the aura of someone who knows more than anyone else in the room. Not cocky, though. Just wise. His energy is heavy, weighted, like only the most important people have. You’ve never seen Hange so quiet, but they beam at you when you make eye contact, which releases some of your nerves. Honestly, you just want to get out of there as fast as you can, but things are scattered from when you were trying to frantically clean for Hange earlier. You’re definitely kicking yourself for that now. 

Finally, you have everything you need, so you quite literally scamper out of there. Only trying not to trip to save yourself further embarrassment. What was it about today and having weird, awkward run-ins with superiors? Now more than ever you need the stress relief of practicing. You smile to yourself as you have a newfound motivation to finish your work.

In fact, things go surprisingly fast, and you get way more done than you thought you would before curfew. You’re proud of your ability to channel the excitement into energy for work. Sneaking out is pretty easy. The girls in your room know not to snitch on each other, and it’s not like they have people actively surveying the halls to maintain curfew. You’re pretty sure the Commander and Captains know about how often people break curfew, but they don’t care. It’s a rule on paper but not so much in practice. 

This makes everything about tonight stress free. You wish you could specifically record into your memories this moment of you going up the cold stone steps of the spiral staircase alight by moonshine. It feels historic. You, the great pianist, returns to the stage. This will definitely make an appearance in your autobiography. 

However, when you enter the library to see a fire lit in the fireplace, you groan. You didn’t want this to be ruined by getting caught for being out past curfew. Nobody’s in the room, just the fire. Maybe this is from someone earlier? That’s what you hope anyway. Since you have no reason to believe someone will come find you, you’re taking it as a good sign. The gods have blessed you with a warm fire as a sign you’re on the right path. 

The bench sighs under your weight, welcoming you. You crack your fingers, close your eyes, and then, finally, you start to play.* 

This time, you don’t notice his presence until after the song is complete. Seeing him there, watching the fire, with tea in his hands makes you nearly jump out of your skin. Can’t you catch a break? You stand up quickly, ready to apologize for breaking curfew. Already praying for a lenient punishment again.

“Sorry sir. I shouldn’t be breaking curfew, I’ll get back to my room.”

“I come to this library when I can’t sleep, I never assign anyone else to clean it but me. You didn’t report to me today and you came to clean the one place I would know you weren’t supposed to be.”

“I’m sorry sir, if you want, I will never come here again and won’t tell anyone about it.”

“You play, right?”

“What? Oh, the piano. Yes I play, sir.”

He’s not reprimanding you. Nor assigning you punishment. He’s not doing _ anything _ . Somehow that is much more terrifying. If you could just know what he’s thinking, but his face is entirely unreadable. His eyes are distant, features cold. You’re normally pretty okay at reading people’s faces, but there’s just nothing to go on. Normally you’d wait to be dismissed, but he’s not saying anything? So maybe he just wants you to leave. You turn to go.

“Practice, I don’t mind. You can’t sleep either, right?”

“How could you tell? Your eyes. They’re tired.”

“Thanks,” You snort. His eyebrows crease for a second and then they relax when he realises you’re not actually upset. He gives you an almost smile. Cute. You go back to the piano, choosing to play calmer pieces. Levi only gets up from his chair to service the fire and once to get a new book. When you mess up, he says nothing about it. The tea he has smells really nice. Calming, and tranquil. Everything really does seem to be perfect. When you finally start to get tired, you turn to the Captain.

“I’m going to go to bed now, sir. Thank you for not punishing me for breaking curfew.”

“No one follows curfew anyways.”

“Right. Uh, would you mind if I came back here to practice on other days I can’t sleep?”

“I can’t stop you from doing what you want.”

He definitely  _ can _ , but you assume that’s as close to permission you’ll get. So you give him a nod and head out to your room. That night, you slept way better than you had in months. 

The next day, you arrive at the library after curfew. The fire is lit, but the Captain isn’t there. However you don’t pay this much mind as it’s exactly what happened yesterday. You pull your jacket around you. The fire is new, is your conclusion, it hasn’t warmed the room yet. You sense the Captain at the top of the stairs. It’s weird how his footsteps make no noise. You turn to him, he has two cups of tea in his hands.

“You looked like you wanted some yesterday. It was no effort to make a second cup.”

“Thank you, Captain!” You exclaimed in reply. The way your eyes lit up at the prospect of tea does not go unnoticed. 

“What can I do in return for you? I don’t like taking favors from people”

He stares at you for a moment, until he says barely above a whisper, “Do I know you from somewhere?”

Your face falls. You thought he would remember you from the excursion. He did save your life and all. But, maybe it’s all too regular for him. I guess that’s not that surprising.

“Yes, sir. We went on the excursion together after Wall Maria fell.”

“No dumbass, before that.”

“Oh! No, sir! That would be quite impossible.”  _ Shit _ . Why did you say that? Are you trying to reveal your very secret and very illegal backstory to your  _ superior _ ?

“Impossible? What does that mean?”

“Nothing, sir. You don’t know me from anywhere before I joined the scouts.” 

Silence.

“Seriously, is there anything I can do for you?”

He shakes his head. 

And this is the way things were from then on. He doesn’t show up every night, and he doesn’t always bring you tea. There’s no rhyme nor reason to when he shows up and when he doesn’t. It’s almost like he doesn’t want you two to fall into a routine together. 

You’d be lying if you said you didn’t start comparing him to your last silent companion. I mean how could you not? You find yourself thinking of mouse boy far more often. You forgot his face long ago. He exists in your mind as an idea and a set of faraway eyes. Time is cruel. It robs you. Of innocence, of childhood, of faces of loved ones. You fear the day it will rob you of everything you have left. But life is not meant to be lived fearing time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y’all see Levi in the new episode this week? LAWD he had me weak in the knees the 3 seconds he was on screen
> 
> Anyways, as always your comments make me so happy and I love hearing from you! Seriously sometimes you guys make me tear up a bit


	5. Sunlight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Play Gabriel Fauré Après un Rêve, op. 7, no. 1 at the * :))

_ 845 _

*Dirt tinged fingertips pull at the skin of your legs, your arms. Your skin is scratched and irritated. Warm, wet tongues on your neck. The smell of alcohol and tobacco is strong and suffocating. Everything is suffocating. You writhe with no hope of escape. Everything feels dirty. The limbs and bodies around you stench of sweat. The fear in the pit of your stomach is eating you alive. Everything in you is screaming at you to escape, but you know there is no opportunity, nor will there ever be. 

The sunlight you wake up to is your only comfort. The sun is the only person that sends you whispers of  _ you’re safe now _ . You can never tell any of your friends about the nightmares that plague you. You escaped that life, but you were never supposed to be where you are now. Not legally, anyways. So you’re forced to shoulder this on your own. Even though you’re used to it, it never gets easier. 

You’ve gotten into the habit of speaking to the sun, the sky, and the clouds in your mind. You let them know the secrets you can’t let escape. Just because they can’t reply to you doesn’t make them your friends any less. They were the first to let you know you’re free. They’re there to greet you every morning. The sun tickles your nose on clear days. The clouds bless you with rain. And every single day, the sky paints you the most beautiful picture it can imagine. So yes, although they cannot reply to you in words, you know they hear you. 

That’s why this morning, like every other, you make your way to the window to say hello back. After you get changed, you make your way to the mess hall to get some breakfast and some much needed tea. Nightmares like the one you had last night are pretty common for you now. Which is part of the reason why you spend so many of your evenings in the library. Much rather practice and be in the presence of a warm fire than be subjected to  _ that _ . This leads your thoughts back to the Captain. He’s as much of an enigma to you as he’s ever been. Then again, you do understand more about the way he exists to you. He is warm tea settling in the pit of your stomach and leaving a sweet taste in your mouth. He is the smell of snow and the warmth of a fire. And his eyes nag away at the back of your mind, unknown to you, on the precipice of realisation. 

Wandering the halls, walking to report to Hange, you’re stopped by another cadet. One younger than you, she’s probably from the 103rd class. 

“You’re wanted by Commander Erwin in his office”

You nod at her, but the dread that sets in is immediate. Did they finally find you out? Did Mr. Klein pull some strings to get you kicked out of the corps? Is this what the Commander was whispering to Hange about in their office the night?  _ Did I lose my freedom? _ You feel a tightness in your chest and although you are trying to coach yourself through breathing, you’re almost positive you’re two seconds away from shitting yourself. There’s a lump in your throat and your legs are shaking as you walk towards the Commander’s office. You don’t  _ know _ the reason you’ve been called yet, so there’s no reason to mourn. But it’s the not knowing that’s what’s causing all your current issues. Best course of action? Make it to Commander Erwin’s office as soon as possible to get rid of this absolutely horrendous feeling.

That’s what you reasoned with yourself, but once your legs had finally carried you the distance, you then found it impossible to actually open the door. This is not a good time for you to be so mentally hindered. Closing your eyes, you took a deep breath, and you asked the sun to help you open this door. Its stupid, you know this. But stupid or not, the door is now open and you’re standing to face what could be the worst news you receive in your life.

“You asked for me, sir?”

“Yes, sit down Y/n.”

You gulped, but obliged. This is only your second time speaking to him, if you can even count that time in Hange’s office. He was silent for a second, which only added more to your panic. Were you supposed to say something first? God, you really needed to calm down.

“Hange has brought it to my attention that you’re basically working independently from them, and could use some more people to aid your work. They recommended for me to make you a Squad Leader, y/n.”

You imagine you probably looked like a fish that flopped up on shore, but in your pure shock, the way you looked was the last thing on your mind. You had prepared to get horrible news, but this was the exact opposite. While you were still reeling from the complete 180 your thoughts went through, Erwin continues.

“I know, not what you expected this meeting to be, huh?”

“Wh-”

“I agree with Hange in the aspect that your work would probably be aided by a couple more bodies, but the issue is, you are lacking in experience.”

“. . . Experience, sir?”

“I’m afraid there’s much more that you need to learn of this world, of yourself, before I feel comfortable giving you the title of Squad Leader.”

You press your lips in a fine line, but nod. Why did he call you into this meeting if he was just going to tell you about how he decided  _ not _ to promote you?

“So I have decided to give you a different title. You’ll still report to Hange to get data to analyze, but you will also have your own team of people working under you. Oh and also, I think the Special Operatives Squad would benefit from your data greatly, so you’ll be reporting to Captain Levi as well.”

So you don’t have enough experience to be a Squad Leader, but you can have all the responsibilities of one on top of reporting to two other squads? Is that amount of work even possible? Why do you need to report to Captain Levi anyways, shouldn’t your data just be used for all of the survey corps instead of just Squad Levi?

“I’m aware you’re probably wondering why you have to report to Captain Levi, and to be honest, I have somewhat of an alternate motive”

Shit is he in your head now? He continues.

“I think the knowledge you’re missing due to your lack of experience, you can learn from the Captain. This is not to say that his Squad won’t greatly benefit from your input, I just couldn’t help but test this theory of mine.”

“Theory? Sir?”

“Don’t mind it. Anyways, congratulations on your new promotion Lieutenant Y/n.”

He stands and outreaches his hand to shake yours. You mirror his movements with the most convincing smile you can muster. You’re still utterly confused and it's slowly dawning on you the massive amount of work you’re going to have to do. 

“Oh, and for the cadets that you’ll be recruiting, I have a couple in mind, but you’re free to choose whomever you want.”

“Thank you, Commander.”

You sit down on the bench outside his office with a sigh. That man… is decidedly exhausting to be around. A fascinating human being, one whose mind is obviously very powerful. But this just makes you feel like you’re mentally sprinting just to keep up. He always seems to know more than he’s letting on. Like how he said he knew that you were expecting something different from the meeting. What did he mean by that? You should feel relieved that you weren’t found out, but instead you’re left dazed. But once again, this life you live doesn’t give you time to be confused. So you get up off your ass and head to alert both Hange and the Captain of your new position. As well as assembling your new semi-squad.

~

Hange took the news well, as expected. With a twinkle in their eye, they send you off, chattering about how much fun all this work is going to be. You don’t know about fun, but it will certainly be work. Making your way to Captain Levi was a different story. You weren’t exactly nervous, but he was still such a mystery to you, it was hard to decipher how you feel. For you, playing the piano for someone was just about as vulnerable you could get. And you played for him almost every night. But your vulnerability was not reciprocated. He barely spoke to you, aside from exchanging pleasantries. He was there, but he wasn’t. How were you supposed to know how you feel when you were given essentially no information to go on? Maybe you weren’t supposed to feel anything at all. There’s no way for him to know that you playing for him is actually a sign of very deep trust. How would he react if he knew? Maybe one day, you’ll find out.

But for now, you’ll have to wait. Approaching the Special Operations Squad, your fists clench together. Curse the way your body shows your anxiety against your mind’s wishes. 

“Captain Levi, sir. I’m here to inform you I’ve been promoted, and we’ll be working together for some time.”

“So the big man actually did it, hm? What did he choose to title you?”

“Uh, my new title is Lieutenant, sir.”

“Okay,  _ Lieutenant _ , I’ll have you explain what exactly you’ll be doing to deserve this new esteemed title.” 

His tone is snarky, but his face remains stone cold. His eyes, though, reveal that it’s not mean spirited. Assuming that this is his way of trying to be welcoming, you chuckle. 

“Yes sir.” You say proudly, with a smile. This earns you somewhat of a questioning look from the Captain as well as the rest of the squad. 

“Wow, most people aren’t so quick to understand our dear Captain’s icy cold demeanor. This might actually work well.” The person you know to be Gunter quips

“Shut it, Gunter.” Levi responds.

“Essentially, I take the data that Squad Leader Hange collects, and then figure out what it means, and how to use it to the best of our ability. Like for example, today I have the results of tests Hange ran on the new improvements to the ODM gear. And I can tell you how to best utilize your gas and blades.”

“Wouldn’t that information be useful to the entire Survey Corps, not just our Squad?” The girl you know to be Petra asks.

“That’s what I thought as well.” You reply with a shrug.

“Either way, why don’t we introduce ourselves?” Petra looks at her fellow squad members in a way that reads,  _ this is not a question. Be polite, you fuckheads. _

You already knew all their names, most people in the Corps learn who they are after only a couple weeks. But you’ve never formally spoken to any of them, so you accept Petra’s attempt at pleasantries. As they go down the line and introduce themselves, you maintain your perfectly crafted smile made for polite social interaction, just like this. Petra, Gunter, Eld, Oluo. The Captain doesn’t introduce himself, but you expected as much.

“It’s lovely to meet you all, I’m Lieutenant L/n. I’m so excited to work with you all!”

Being nice to work with is one of the strongest assets someone can have. Having allies is how you win the war. And it would be extremely beneficial for you to have Squad Levi as allies. It helps that so far you seem to genuinely like them, aside from maybe Oluo. Overall, your first day working with the Special Operations Squad seems to go moderately well. They’re a well oiled machine without you, so it's only natural that you feel out of place. Maybe it would be easier if you weren’t alone with them. Petra does seem to be making an effort to include you, and it’s greatly appreciated. She has such a kind soul, it's really quite beautiful. Even that night at dinner, she offers to let you sit with the rest of the squad.

“So we can get to know you better!” She says with a smile so genuine, you feel warmth spread in your belly to the tips of your fingers.

Conversation is a bit clunky and awkward at points, but at the same time they make you feel welcome. And by the end of dinner, the perfectly crafted smile ends as a real one. For a time, you allowed yourself to let go of the stress you hold so close to you. Perhaps it's okay to forget that you’re not supposed to be here. That night, you didn’t need to practice to sleep. 

~

The next morning however, the stress you let leave you has returned. As you’re walking in the halls, you feel a familiar anxious dread wash over you. You can  _ feel _ someone watching you. And it feels familiar. You know that they’re there, you’ve never been wrong about a feel like this before. Immediately you look all around you to try to see where this creep is. You feel like they’re over your left shoulder. God, you hate this feeling. It brings you right back to the disgusting dirty gazes that crept over your goose bumped skin. Memories that you try desperately to ignore seep into your mind and presence. It’s even worse because you can’t seem to find this mystery stalker. With a shaky breath you push that frame of mind away. Whoever it is won’t get more of a ration out of you, than you’ve already granted them. Until you find them, all you can do is stay within a crowd of people. There is safety within the numbers of your peers. 

The rules Auntie Mimi graced you with from your childhood come flooding back to you. One, never go anywhere alone. Two, never go with someone you don’t trust. Three, always be on guard. Four, let Auntie know if you ever feel endangered. And five, don’t let them know you’re bothered. Well, rule number four is a no go. Unless you can find someone who can trust in the same way you trusted her. 

For now, you have to assemble your new semi-squad. All you can do is to continue to work, until they either leave you alone, or you figure out who they are. Of course you’re scared out of your mind, but as always, this world leaves no room for hesitation.

The two cadets you picked out to work under you were under Erwin’s recommendation. They’re both very bright, but it obviously took them some time to acclimate. Their names are Cadet Lena Vogel and Cadet Tobias Vogt, respectfully. You call them “the Vs” for short. They pretend to hate it, but you know they secretly love it. Trust and familiarity is crucial when running a team. Respect is important, but it has to be earned, not taught through fear. Trust leads to efficiency. After working with them for about a week, you can tell that trust is starting it’s slow build. Unfortunately, it’s only one sided. As much as you wish you could return their trust, you’re constantly on guard. Waiting for the next moment you feel the eyes.

As time goes on, it’s really starting to get to you. Why can’t you find them? Where could they possibly be hiding? Why do the eyes feel slightly familiar? Is it someone from the underground? But that’s impossible. Rule number five is slowly starting to crack. You need to find someone who you can really trust. Someone you can tell about what’s going on. The person who is closest is probably Hange or Petra, but you’re afraid. You’ve never doubted yourself in this way before, but you can’t help but think that maybe you’re making it all up. What if the stress from all this new work is just making you a bit crazy? You’ve never been wrong before, but maybe this is the exception? What if you do tell them, and they don’t believe you? It's not like you can really tell them why someone would be after you. You can’t tell them how every day, you’re terrified that your past will come knocking on your door and you’ll have to go back there. 

The only time the eyes seem to not be on you is when you’re working, and when you’re practicing at night. One day while you're in the process of explaining to the Special Ops squad what angle is best to attack from, you feel the eyes on you. Involuntarily, your neck snaps your head around to look at the source.  _ Fuck _ , way to not show that it’s bothering you. Of course, everyone notices, but no one says anything about it. You assume that the only reason the stalker was so bold was that Levi was off in a meeting with Erwin. You’ve never felt the eyes when he’s around, so the stalker must be scared of him. 

Your relationship with Levi hasn’t changed one bit. Even though you’re working with him now, and spending more time actually speaking to him, he’s as guarded as ever. You still have your nights of soft tea, warm fire, and comforting melodies, but you never discuss it. Almost as if they don’t even happen. Why does it bother you so much that you’re not making any progress with him? He’s allowed to be as guarded as he wants, and it's certainly not your responsibility to teach a grown ass man how to be vulnerable. It should be the least of your worries right now, but for some reason, every time he’s around, all you want to do is break down and spill everything that’s going on to him. He has never reciprocated your vulnerability, so why are you compelled to give him more? 

You’re especially on edge today after slipping in front of the Special Ops squad. Enough so that the Vs pick up on it. Lena even made you a cup of tea with a note that says “Feel better!” Both Cadets stand in front of your desk eyeing each other, awaiting your reaction. When your eyes start brimming with tears against your will, Tobias immediately starts rushing around, trying to find things to do, while Lena apologizes. This makes you laugh.

“Guys, stop it. Was I really that transparent?” You chuckle.

They nod slowly

“Well, thank you very much for worrying about me, but I promise I’m fine. I’m just stressed with all this work.”

This answer seems to be acceptable as they leave you alone after that. Even if your brain didn’t want to trust them, it appears your body has betrayed you. You can’t leave them with the full truth, however. They wouldn’t be able to do anything about it, and you’d just be worrying them unnecessarily. So you have to keep dealing with it on your own. 

Which leads you to this night. Stowed away in the dusty library. The woody smell of the piano, with the smoke of the fire. You’re alone, for now. Which does make you a bit nervous. You’re breaking rule one, but you were very cautious in making sure you weren’t being watched as you made your way up here. As far as you know, you and the Captain are the only two who even know of the library’s existence. You needed to practice tonight. There was no way you’d be getting any sleep otherwise, you just hope that the Captain would come to calm some of your nerves about being alone. 

And then you feel it. The dread, oh god the dread. Immediately it becomes nearly impossible to breathe, and your whole body has been dipped in ice water. You whip around to finally face the pair of eyes that you think has been taunting you for the past couple of weeks. You're expecting to meet your end. 

So when the eyes you’re presented with are the same hue of grey, with the same faraway sheen to them that you were just aching for the comfort of, you’re not exactly sure what to do.

“Are you okay, Lieutenant? You look like you’re about to shit yourself.”

“Captain, why have you been watching me?”

You didn’t mean to say it, it just slipped out. Ah well, when have you thought anything out before? His face remains unchanged but he charges toward you.

“And how exactly did you know it was me? I’m fairly certain I was never seen.”

“I-”

“I’m suspicious of you, Lieutenant. You remind me too much of a certain type of person that shouldn’t be here. Why don’t you tell me exactly how you can sense when people are behind you, how you learned how to protect yourself.”

Well it’s pretty obvious that he already knows the exact answer to that question. But how does he know? His words may seem cutting, and maybe you should be afraid, but something in you knows that he’s not going to hurt you. Men have a certain smell when they want to hurt you. They stink of sweat, grime, and danger. But the Captain doesn’t smell anything like that. So maybe it’s okay to trust him.

“I think you already know, sir. I’m not supposed to be here, I’m sorry, I just…”

He sighs. “Tell me why I shouldn’t go down to Erwin’s office and turn you in for having false records.”

His hands are at his sides, but he’s trembling. Why is he trembling? Not even when you watched this man stare down the eyes of a titan have you seen him tremble. The gears are starting to turn. Yet, you remain silent, unable to answer his question.

“Y/n… give me a reason.”

Ah. You see. It makes sense.

“You shouldn’t… because you still owe me a favor, mouse boy.”

And with that, his trembling stops. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally was gonna cutoff this chapter before the reveal but it’s been so long since I updated, I thought I would feed you. Anyways I was listening to Mitski as I wrote this chapter so sorry lol


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